


Hold me harder (till I forget)

by natxsteve



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Basically Wanda ships Romanogers, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, In later chapters - Freeform, James Rogers - Freeform, Marvel Universe, Natasha Needs a Hug, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Romance, my otp's not exactly the best communicators, romanogers - Freeform, when it comes to f e e l i n g s
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:17:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7476537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natxsteve/pseuds/natxsteve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It felt like a dream. Only this time, she could feel everything. From the feeling of his lips, down to the small beating heart inside of her.</p><p>Before she could even reply.</p><p>Her heart sank as she then realized this was technically a dream... <i> Or a vision as Wanda liked to put it </i></p><p>  <i>Wanda </i></p><p>Natasha heaved a sigh. <i> Of course, </i> this was all her doing.</p><p>-x-</p><p>She felt her whole body trembled slightly, with so many words forming in her head - she was only left with three. <i> It was real. </i> Well it almost felt real. And - honestly, there was a pain of knowing that it wasn't at some point because she had never been more desperate for something she wanted to have ever before. Pre- Captain America: Civil War. Romanogers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I had a bad habit of writing so many stories without ever posting them here so let me start with this one first. :)
> 
> I've gotten the idea nearly two months ago as I was finishing my thesis paper (You could guess which one I was able to finish first, HAHA) I've got too much emotions so I hope you'll bear with me on this one and on the following chapters. ((and apologies for the grammatical errors, mistakes, messed- up English I may have missed while writing, believe me - I'm still working on that!)) Hope you'll enjoy!

* * *

_"You get under my skin_

_More than anyone's ever been_

_But when we lay in bed_

_You hold me harder till I forget."_

* * *

_"We'll be okay."_

All she could vividly remember was the feeling of someone's lips being planted on her forehead. An act that no one has ever done, an act that she would definitely not approve of - unless that person was Clint... But in this case, he wasn't. She was sure of it.

The man's voice was familiar, even if there was a tinge of questioning concern from his tone as he said these words. Natasha was experiencing a massive headache as she struggled for the words to say. Her vision was hazy but based from the texture of the type of clothing she wore, she could easily tell she was in the hospital (for God knows why).

She grimaced as she squirmed uncomfortably on the bed. Migraine was simply taking over her system and she couldn't figure out where exactly it triggered from. The safest case scenario was that she had just gotten out from an exhausting mission (and now she remembered, she did) but honestly - a migraine from a battle was least of her worries. It was nothing that she couldn't endure, certainly such pain is not much reason of trip to a hospital. But she had to admit, she seriously wasn't feeling well. Her heart was palpitating and there was a surging uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was seriously hoping there was a nearest restroom she could use, well that is - if she even had enough strength to get out of bed.

_"We'll be okay, Nat."_

She froze. She recognized that voice - it had to be Steve's.

It had to be Steve, and he seriously had to stop.

Obviously, he knew nothing about what she was going through at the moment.

_"Our baby, Nat. Our baby - could you imagine that?"_

Fuck, no. 

She abruptly opened her eyes, trying to ease her senses as she heard his words. Her vision cleared and the headache she was currently suffering from became tolerable even for a short while. Her eyes widened, having a decent glimpse of the main front of her.

Steve was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, with these blue eyes piercing through her soul and a leaping grin across his face. It was the first time she'd seen him this happy. He was all smiles and carefree, as if the problems they've had was already long gone and forgotten along the way.  _She found that hard to imagine._

"What the hell are you talking about Rogers?" She blurted, as she rubbed her eyes. Natasha wasn't expecting her tone would come out harsh and extremely rude, but she honestly had no time to apologize for his own behavior. She wasn't in the mood for jokes, but she should know that Steve was not fond of making jokes either. Especially if these came from no other than Tony Stark, himself. 

He furrowed, somehow taken aback from her question. He didn't take any offense as he began to feel worried of her instead. "Nat - are you okay? You seemed rattled -"

"Are you?" She stammered. Natasha pushed her upper body forward as she sat up. The pressure in her head getting heavier and heavier with every move she made. Steve helped her up, but she pulled back - insisted that she could perfectly get along just fine without him. 

He watched her intently and rubbed the back of his neck, managing a short laugh. "I'm more than okay, Nat. I mean - who... who would have thought we created a life along the way?" He stretched his palm as he gently placed them on her midsection, his thumb caressing the smooth patch of skin through the hospital gown she wore. Before she could even allow herself to enjoy the feeling of his touch on hers, a lump formed her throat, almost willing herself not to throw up for she was uncertain if it's because he was just joking or a big part of what he said was actually true... that she's  _pregnant._ That she's having a baby, and most importantly, it was  _his, too._

_Well shit._

"Steve. Enough with the awful, unnecessary jokes please?" She pinched the bridge of her nose, she closed her eyes for a moment, letting the pain from her head subside. "I've had a long day from Ireland and I need to take a shower -"

"Ireland?" He asked.

"We just got back from a mission, after two weeks." She eyed him carefully, stating the most obvious reason. "We infiltrated another Hydra base who tried to replicate the serum you've had. How can you possibly forget -"

"Nat, that was three years ago..." He trailed off for a moment, with a pointed look and quivered brows. Steve slipped his hand on hers, she resisted his touch as she straightened 'her posture, barely holding it together.  _Okay, it made sense._ Natasha was a hundred percent sure there used to be a deep cut on the side of his face from the mission, but he looked completely fine and unharmed now, right in front of her.  _But how._

"Three years ago? No, that was just yesterday - you were there, so was Sam -"

_How the hell had he even manage to get her knocked up, the first place? Wasn't he with Sharon?_

He cuts her off, "Hon, whatever that is - that was long gone already. Maybe this had something to do with the meds you've been taking..."

_Okay... no more Sharon then._

"I'm fine. I'm more than okay, Steve... and  _don't_ call me that." Natasha's eyebrows shot up, she murmured slowly in her expressionless way.

"You've always liked me calling you that for two years now, what even changed your mind?" Steve crossed his arms on his chest, cocking his head to the side.

"Two years? How in the world did we even end up together?!" The thought of her and Steve together brought a chuckle out of her. 

"Because of the simple fact that we love each other. And that we've been stubborn all along before we finally got our act together, as Tony liked to put it. He spurted out. As if he was simply used of repeating the same statement to her over and over again.

"Love is for children." She looked away as she said it, trying to contemplate if even years from now if this was still a mad saying she liked to consider to live with. Deep inside, she'd always thought Steve Rogers was an exception to this.

"Love gave us a child... or maybe even more in the future." He tried to reason with her. A small smile covered his lips, obviously - he didn't think she was actually serious.

"Stop it." She warned him, voice was sharp and jagged. 

"Natasha - "

"I'm suppose you know by now that I was sterilized..." Natasha began to explain, she eased to control the uncomfortable thumping of her heart to a steady pace. Her words alone was suffocating enough, and as much as she hated the thought of repeating it again and again - she still found the strength to answer. Her head still couldn't keep up with the pace, but Steve deserved to know. She hated the thought of Steve claiming that he was responsible of building a life somewhere in her, because honestly, Natasha didn't want to keep his hopes up. 

Setting her curiosity aide, she patiently waited for his answer.

Steve studied her for a moment, he didn't even flinch from her answer. As if he knew all along, as if he knew more than she does. Which was quite ironic, come to think. "My serum - my serum was behind all of this. For some reason, it made you capable of having a baby.  _Our baby._ He emphasized, before she could open her mouth to protest.

She heard him sigh audibly as he took a seat on the side of her bed. Their eyes met for a moment, his eyes so gentle yet fierce - he held a steady and calm look despite the words she's thrown away. "We've never really planned having one. Settling down wasn't exactly a thing in our line of work. And we were totally okay with that..." He trailed off, running a hand on the side of her jaw. "I love you, Nat. I have and I'll always will, even before then - when it was just us... But when I found out about this -" He placed his free hand back on her midsection again, he glanced down - his fingers stroking her gently, as if it was the most precious thing in the world, placing a mark as a sign that a part of hers, was now his. "The moment I felt this tiny heartbeat in you... the moment when the doctors spoke the impossible, I realized - with this love we have, wouldn't it be beyond amazing to have this love turn into something more than just for the two of us? Extending what we have - to another person, who is half me and you?"

"I realized, that I do want a family. If we are able, then why not give it a try, right? Even if that too having to give up my shield - so be it. There's nothing more I would want, but this - us... and James."

Tears threatened to fall from her eyes. It was still hard to believe, but his words honestly weren't that hard to swallow either. As a matter of fact, she wouldn't mind having to hear him say that to her everyday. If that was all it took for her to finally dismiss the crazy thought that she doesn't deserve to have any of this. A new perspective in life, something different from what she was taught, how she was raised. A new love, with Steve (for some reason), and a child. Then let it be.  _Cut yourself some slack._

Everything still didn't make any sense, but she couldn't deny how everything falls perfectly into place. She hated the thought of ruining the moment. _She did wanted to be happy for once._

She pressed her lips together as her chin jutted forward, "Wait, how the hell is Barnes part of our so called _'us'_?" She asked.

Steve suppress a laugh and shook his head. He curled his fingers around hers, and Natasha didn't pull back, for once... finally. He fits her lips to his in a soft and chaste kiss. A blush tinted her cheeks in surprise, Natasha had always been the one to initiate things - this kiss, (technically, may not be the first) felt familiar and new at the same time. He pulled back with their foreheads still pressed together, Steve's thumb slowly stroking over her cheekbone.

"I figured if it's a boy, we would name him James... _only_ if that's okay with you." He replied.

A smile formed in her lips. She wrapped her arms around her neck to pull him closer. _James Rogers_. Definitely a good name, a little too perfect - which is actually perfect at the same time.

She kissed him again, longer this time and he jerked his head up in surprise. "I take that as a yes?" He smirked.

She rolled her eyes in amusement. And for a moment there, it was honestly a spectacular view seeing Captain America squealing in enthusiasm over the name they've chosen for their baby. Their baby. It felt like a dream, only this time she could feel everything, from the feeling of his lips down to the small, beating heart inside of her.

Before she could even reply.

Her heart sank, as she then realized...

This was technically a dream... _Or a vision as Wanda like to put it._

_Wanda._

She heaved a sigh. Of course, this was all her doing.

* * *

"Well that was fast." Wanda spoke casually, her arm propped on the back of the couch. She replied without even looking at her, somehow caught up fixing her own manicure.

Natasha jolted up, taking a deep breath as she got up from the couch, a small towel now covered on her face, trying to wipe the beads of sweat off of her. She felt her whole body trembled slightly, with so many words forming in her head - she was only left with three. It was real. Well it almost felt real. And - and honestly, there was a pain of knowing that it wasn't at some point.

"Wanda -" She groaned.

"You could have stayed a little longer, you know." She arched a brow, finally looking at her intently. Obviously, Wanda had seen what Natasha saw herself and there was a slight feeling of awkwardness, not knowing how to reply to that. Because she did want to stay a little longer.

"Wanda, I told you before that you didn't have to do any of this." She remarked.

"But I insist, Natasha..." She smiled, tugging her hand to hers. "I wanted to make up for what I've done to you and the others back then... I figured if I've showed you the past, then it would be fair to show you your future."

"That was Ultron. We're totally way past that now." She frowned. Natasha couldn't shake off the vision Wanda shown to her a year ago. And a major part of it wasn't Wanda's fault, but because of the simple fact that it was actually true and that was exactly how she spent her days in the Red Room. It was still a nightmare, crawling into her veins - but she had to reprimand herself from bringing that up. She didn't want Wanda to take part of blaming herself once again. She knew she didn't deserve it.

"What did you see?" Wanda changed the subject, she eyed her carefully and even without her hex controlling Natasha, she couldn't help but be intimidated by her.

"You saw it too." Natasha stifled a laugh, shrugging her shoulders. "What was that?"

"That was your vision." She simply said. Before she could allow Natasha to roll her eyes at her for stating the obvious, she tilted her head in amusement. "And before you could even ask if it was real, it was indeed real... the realest thing you're gonna get." She mused.

Natasha's smile faltered, lips pressed together tightly. She ran a hand on her hair as a warm and uncomfortable feeling settled in her chest. It was real. She would have been a terrible liar if she tried to deny that she was relieved at that thought, but then again - she somehow found it hard to believe. Between the problems they have ahead, between Sharon and Bruce - it was impossible to think there's still a bit of space to squeeze in for her and Steve to build a life together. "Natasha, you've always felt this way for him... How come you've never talked to him about this?" She stated.

She clasped his jaw tightly. _Because she was stubborn, and she was unworthy of someone as good as Steve in her life, perhaps._

Oh right - most importantly cause she had no idea if Steve ever felt the same way about her.

Natasha spun her head to her direction, Wanda pulled back and braced herself for the anger that will spark in Natasha for meddling too much in her personal life. Instead, something came out - her eyes softened as she shook her head. "If you knew about this all along, then why did you even bother showing that to me?"

"You needed the push." Her lips curled into a smirk. Her eyes were filled with wary at first, but within a snap of a finger - Natasha felt Wanda enveloped her arms around her. Before Natasha could reciprocate the hug, Wanda pulled back. She was too precious for this world, sometimes Natasha wanted to remind her that it was okay to be too close to her. That there aren't any boundaries between them anymore. "And you need to stop being stubborn." She added with a glare.

* * *

She couldn't sleep.

Not because of the nightmares she often had, no.

She kept thinking of that dream. The words of Wanda prodding her thoughts. Steve. His words, that kiss - God, _James Rogers. Their baby_. She could only imagine how James would have looked like. His fiery red hair from his mother and these marveling pair of ocean blue eyes from his father - Natasha wanted to be humble but _damn_ \- James would have been a looker. He would be the most beautiful thing. With the strength of Natasha and the virtue of Steve, he would have had it all.

  
She lied to Bruce. She did wanted to have that life, more so being part of Steve's life. She wanted James to be real - to have him bundled up in her arms, to feel Steve's kisses on her forehead, to make breakfast for them everyday, bring him to school.... _A domestic life,_ to be a mother, a wife - along with Steve, she would be willing to give up everything she had for James, for them.

James was still far from happening, and yet she carried a strong will to give up everything for him just to have a normal life. She lied again, for the nth time of the night. She definitely needed Wanda to show that to her.

* * *

_"I don't mean to pry, but are we certain that - that is going to be my future?"_

_"Unfortunately, no." Wanda replied, rubbing the back of her head in discomfort._

_Natasha looked down, unable to meet her eyes. She pressed her lips together, nodding her head - masking the disappointment as she said it._

_"That's why I'm telling you stop being stubborn, Nat." She trailed off, she tilted her chin as their eyes met again. Natasha wasn't even in the right position to be acting this way, and yet she blinked hard, fighting her tears away. She had never been more desperate for something she wanted to have ever before. "The future is still in your hands. You and Steve... you need to figure out if this is what you really want. And if yes, then do something about it... for a change." Wanda rolled her eyes as she added that last phase._

_'For a change' She would have taken offense as she said it but she had no right, cause Wanda indeed had a point. All she ever did was set him up with other women, only to be then be amazingly upset when Steve finally started seeing Sharon. Which was technically her fault._

_"I don't mean to pry as well... but Steve's currently with Sharon - or as we both like to assume they are actually dating and all - but c'mon, who are we kidding? Steve's in love with you."_

_Her lips pursed, "Technically, that is also an assumption." Natasha pointed out._

_"So if you want to stop with all these assumptions then do as I say." Wanda defended  
_

* * *

_Right_. There was still a possibility (and by that, meaning the _biggest_ possibility that could happen) that James wouldn't be real. That what she and Steve had wouldn't be real as well. He could end up with Sharon in his future and she could end up being alone and that was a delusional thought Natasha couldn't live with.

She couldn't barge in his room and proclaim like a mad person she was, _'Hey, I had this dream and you were there and we were together and we had a baby. This sweet precious baby you named after your best friend. And I wanted it to be real so can we kiss and let's see where that could lead us to?'_

She can't be too overly demanding to him because as much as she loved him, she did want him to be happy. And if happy meant being with someone not her, then that was something she had to accept. Hard. Excruciating truth - but she was left with no choices.

She was with Bruce. She saw Steve right from her very eyes standing in front of Bruce in the bar. _"You both deserved a win."_ That's what he said. And at some point she wished he wasn't completely okay with it, but he was - and he was smiling as he spoke. He wasn't even close to Bruce, nor did he have the right to leave him an advice but he did. That moment, she then realized maybe he didn't love her. But it all seemed pointless now to look back at that night, when what she and Bruce had now is completely over.

And she's alone, but Steve is with Sharon now and she had never seen him this happy before. Even with her vision, who was she to take that away from him?

As much as she didn't like the idea of Steve and Sharon together, maybe that was something she had to live with in the end.


	2. James and James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Finally back after so many months. I'm incredibly sorry for the delay, college happened so as much as I've finished writing 2 more chapters after the prologue, I haven't had the time to update. 
> 
> It's been a while since I've last logged in to my account and I'm just blown away by the amount of kudos and responses I've gotten while I was away. Thank you all! It means a lot! :)
> 
> So to make it up to you! I give you my most favorite chapter I've written so far. Hope you'll enjoyed as much as I did while I was writing this. Oh and a happy new year to us all! May we never lose our passion writing/reading for our dear otp/s. :)
> 
> P.S This chapter may seem a little confusing so feel free to read the first chapter again. :) thank you guys!!

He spent ten months looking for him.

Technically, he _wasn't_ alone - he was with Sam. Whom Steve was incredibly grateful for for coming with him, no hesitations, no questions but full on initiation to join him. No matter how going after his best friend had been a dead end, Sam went on with it. They had been tracking him for months, going through dozens of places, trying to find clues - basically anything they could get their hands on, but nothing came out. As always. Just like everytime. He knew he failed him again. Seventy years has passed and he still couldn't save him. Sam being the good friend and all, had been so optimistic towards everything. After infiltrating just any other Hydra base somewhere in Poland without finding any relevant information that could be associated with Bucky, he eventually concluded that maybe, Bucky didn't want to be found. He was a wanted fugitive after all, and  _maybe_ if they'll stop their search - then in some way, Steve was helping him. He was setting him free. At least Steve knew he was no longer with Hydra anymore, he knew he was out there probably trying to create a new life that he didn't have the privelage to do so before.  _A life that was taken from him._

Steve knew he had to give that to him. Bucky never asked for this, never wanted any of this... this was the least Steve could do for him.  _For now._

And so, their mission came to an end. Sam went back to D.C and he made his way back to New York only to find out that the woman who fought alongside with him also came back. And she didn't came back alone as he assumed she was.

Let's just say the sight of the woman that he happened to like (maybe even more than that) with her eyes all transfixed to one of his teammates, smiling and holding his hand right in front of him wasn't a sight worth seeing as a form of welcome.

For once, Steve was actually happy that Tony welcomed him. And Natasha was... well, she had been distant. And it pained him. It hurts to admit the fact that he couldn't have the life he wanted (being the guy who threw that away seventy years ago), couldn't save his best friend for the second time, and couldn't win the heart of the woman he adored.

She was everything. She was so perfect. Which made more sense as to why she didn't end up with him - because he knew he was far from that. He couldn't be the guy she would want. Hell, it was pretty clear that she wasn't interested with him after trying to set him up with so many women she could think of.  _How can he possibly forget that._

_Maybe it was a sign_

_They weren't really written in the stars_

But then again, Ultron happened a month after. And along the way, they've met two enhanced siblings who became a potential threat then turned to become their ally. Two incredibly good people, who didn't deserve to have this life at such a younge age.

The battle ended and they won. They gained two important individuals only to lose one in the end. He hated the fact that they couldn't save him, even when the world needed saving - he couldn't save those close to him. Just like Bucky.

Banner left, he absolutely didn't know how to react to that. Natasha became quiet for awhile. He let that go, she needed the space as much as he wanted to reach out to her. Sam decided to move in to the new Avengers facility with them. Wanda stayed. She became close to him, and he loved the idea that she saw a brother in him.

He became so attached with Wanda, he felt the need to protect her at all costs. Everyone in the team did, including Natasha - who was smiling from time to time now. She returned back to the same playful, teasing and honestly too good to be true person he knew her for. He was relieved at that. Wanda was too, as much as she admitted she knew nothing about the two of them, she was happy to see them this close - proclaiming that she could read minds.

* * *

 

_"Steve, please. Just let me - "_

_"For the third time, Wanda - it's okay. You really don't have to." He sighed as they made their way through the lounge area after spending yet another training session almost the entire day._

_"It would be just fast. I wanted to make up for I did -" She took a seat beside him on the couch as he reached down to grab the remote from the center table._

_"Like what I said, you really don't have to. You were only following orders from Ultron, I get that and it's okay. Really." He assured her. Steve then opened the TV, scanning through the channels. When he couldn't settle with one, he reluctantly closed the TV again, returning the remote from where it came from in defeat._

_"I know. But this is the only way I could finally move past everything, you know?" She trailed off, staring at her own hands intently. "I wanted to get hold of myself, I know I would - If I could do it right with you."_

_"To be honest Wanda. What you've shown to me was technically not my fear. It made me yearn for something. Something that I've missed, something that I've wanted. There's nothing wrong with what you did."_

_He lied. Of couse, not having to go through the ice and having to live his life with Peggy was all he could ever asked for. But it came with the painful truth, a reality that it was too damn far from happening now. It wasn't fear that triggered in him. It was pain. He only lied with hopes that Wanda wouldn't end up blaming herself for what happened._

_"Stop lying. You know that I know what's going on inside your head right now." She raised an eyebrow. She inhaled a deep breath as she then reach down for his shoulders, gently pulling him down as she guided him to lay his head down on her lap. Wanda placed a pillow underneath his head, Steve didn't dare to make a move, but he couldn't manage to hold an agitated frown at her either._

_"Just close your eyes. For once, allow me to show you something that's real."_

_And so he did._

* * *

He woke up, standing. He had no idea how that was even possible, but there he was - with both feet planted on the ground, both of his hands occupied with what seemed like a cold metal, round - it was familiar.

He stared down at his hands with a tilt of his head to the side. It was his shield. It didn't look any different, just like how he left it a few hours ago after he used it as a part of their training. For him and Natasha. He wanted to know why he was holding it this way, when it should have been placed on his back, or on his arm just like always.

But then again, he realized what he was wearing. He wasn't on his stealth suit, he was in his casual attire. There was no mission.

He was relieved at that. But the moment didn't last when he heard a man clearing his throat right in front of him.

Steve looked up only to find his best friend, Bucky - also in his casual attire, with his hair cut short back to the style Steve had been familiar with growing up. He still had his metal arm. He is the Winter Soldier, he tried to remind himself that - as much as he was so damn happy to see him again, he knew things were different now. But he didn't want to fight him. Not now. Not when he just saw him after what seemed like months of frustration and coming to a hopeless conclusion that he may never will.

Bucky had his eyes wide open, as if he was waiting for him to say something. The gaze was familiar, he wasn't attacking him. He was simply standing right in front of him, raising an eyebrow at him in confusion.

"Bucky. I know it's hard coming to full terms on what's happening. But I promise you, I could help you with this. We could get past through this." Steve took a step backward with wary, having no idea if he would be engaged in a fight or not.

Bucky frowned, planting his hands on both hips. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Wait - what?" He stopped in his tracks. He moved closer to him, the stoic expression in his face that he used to notice two years ago in him has faded. He was looking at him like how he've always stared right through him growing up.

"Okay. Seriously, Steve. I think you're the one who's getting old here." He shrugged his shoulders, smirking. He pointed at him briefly with his finger, as if playfully accusing him of something. "One minute ago, you were being all dramatic and emotional that you'll be turning in your shield to me and the next thing I know -"

He cuts him off, his heart thumping fast. "Wait, why would I - How would I... And what..." He struggled for the words to say. A moment ago he was relieved and happy he saw his best friend once again, then now he was just too damn confused. He didn't know where to place himself in such a situation he honestly had no idea of. He felt something holding on him tightly on his pant leg, it must have been turning numb for standing out too long so he didn't even bother to look at it, the numbness feeling could wait... But then Bucky was pointing at it - down at his leg, with a smug look on his face.

"Because of this pal right here." He simply stated. Bucky leaned down as he grab held of something, Steve then realized it was technically  _a someone._ Someone had their hands wrapped up around his leg. A child, probably about two years of age now. Fiery red hair, just like Natasha's. 

Bucky was now carrying him and had him bundled up around his arms, the child was facing him so all Steve saw was his red hair, and he was amazed at such a sight. It was the first time he'd ever seen a child whose hair was this much of shade. Bucky was tickling him on his sides, the child was giggling and his best friend seemed so amused by it. And it definitely caught him in surprise. Not once, did he ever imagine he'd be seeing his best friend this way. The child didn't even seem to be bothered by Bucky's metal arm. He must have known him long to have already been accustomed to it.

Steve silently watched as they both played for a couple more seconds as the child then began to turn around, both of his little arms slowly reaching out to him. He was too damn distracted by how adorable his arms were that he didn't even notice the child's eyes.  _It was as blue as his._ He was by far, the most beautiful thing Steve had ever seen, right next to - 

"Come to Daddy, kiddo!" Bucky remarked, getting the shield from him. The pit of his stomach churned and his pulse went fast paced, unable to react at that. He wasn't in the mood for jokes. But who was Bucky to be kidding in front of a child? He wasn't just any ordinary child, he looked almost exactly like Steve. (Disregarding the fiery red hair, his cute little nose and the dimples on the side of his face, though)

Steve picked up the child from Bucky's arms. He didn't even bother to say one word, no matter how shocking everything was. He couldn't fight the urge to hold the child close to his chest, no words couldn't top off how to exactly describe the child, let alone the feeling of having him in his arms. It felt familiar, holding him like this. And like he said, he was the most beautiful thing. He could go on and on with it, honestly. "What's his name?" He blurted.

Bucky stared at him in horror, "Look, if it weren't for this kiddo right here - I would have been cursing all over the place!" He reprimanded himself from raising his voice. "You named the child after me, you idiot. You've got to be kidding me right now." He stammered.

"No, I'm not." He silently defended himself, he was getting lost in the child eyes now. He slowly watched him as he grinned in front of him, placing both of his small hands on both sides of his cheeks, tapping them gently. As if the child alone couldn't make up to the thought that Steve was real either. Steve smiled at him softly, running a hand on his red hair. There were so many questions left unanswered, but it was like he had a mind of its own now, going along with how everything really was.

A smile formed on the corner of Bucky's mouth. "Seeing you looking at James like that, I could see why you wanted to pass the shield to me."

Bucky leaned closer as he placed a hand on Steve's shoulder. "You and Natasha deserved a simple life. I know you've made the right choice."

Steve stopped in his tracks once again. Every nerve in his body froze, his head was literally spinning, his heart was racing even more, a lump formed his throat. Of course, it made sense that James was also Natasha's. The red hair was practically given, the fact that he was as beautiful as his mom too. He held James in one arm and bent down to his other hand only to find out he was wearing a wedding ring.  _He was married to her. She was his. Marriage meant she loved him as much as he did all these years. They've created a child along the way._

_She was his._

_He has a family._

Something that he'd never imagined in himself after waking up from the ice.

_They were his home_

_But, how._

He wanted to find Natasha. He wanted to hug her, and kiss her - tell her how much he loved her all these years, something that he never had the courage to do so. Tell her how her name fits perfectly with his last name. At the same time, he wanted to search for answers. Not as if he was complaining. He would want this life, he was ready - he knew he was. He wanted to invite Sam over, have Wanda too -

_Wanda._

Dear God, of course. He couldn't call Wanda, because then again - she was too busy putting him to sleep.

This was a dream. He had been dreaming all this time. He remembered now. He went along with how everything was unfolding right in front of him, just like he did when he had that vision with Peggy long time ago. His throat ached, almost willing himself to keep the tears to himself. He was too caught up with everything he didn't even realize that it had all been a dream. Maybe he was even hallucinating because a great part of him wanted it to be real more than anything. His head was too clouded to even realize that Wanda had been behind this all along because his heart overruled his judgement. Even if he knew better to pretend, he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to do it.

He was deeply in love with her, that he was even unfazed to know that he had a child with her because he wanted to live in that vision he had.

He jolted up, chest heaving, a headache started to form in him. He ran his fingers across his hair, and used his free hand to rub his eyes.

* * *

 

"Steve." Wanda spoke softly from behind, hating to interrupt the moment.

"Wanda, I told you - " He muttered, struggling to find the words to say back. The pain couldn't ease as he tried to remind himself that it wasn't real.

"I wasn't playing tricks on you. It was all you." She explained to him.

He faced her slowly, his expression was too hard to get a read on. "It was just another few of the things that I desperately wanted that I never could, wasn't it?"

She shook her head, a hopeful smile etched on her face. "I told you before it was real. It  _could_ be real. If you would get your act together." She trailed off. Wanda placed a hand on the side of his face, making him look at her. "You were behind all of this. You built that dream, just like how you did with Peggy as well. You imagined a child with her, Steve. You're in love with Natasha. I hate to be rude, but how the hell did you end up with -"

He dropped his gaze. It wasn't exactly the smartest move that he has ever pulled off. If he knew she was Peggy's niece sooner then things wouldn't have gone this far. He was so comfortable having Sharon around only to find out that she was related to his first love. It pretty much explained everything, and it was all clear to him now. He couldn't bear to pursue a relationship with her, not when it felt like he just projected these feelings he had with Peggy to her. It wouldn't be fair for her. He called it quits, and they remained friends - even though things would never be the same again, and he knew it. He accepted it. Even before then, he knew he was completely lying to himself because his heart still yearned for someone else. "I'm no longer seeing Sharon. She's not... -"  _She's not Natasha._ "She's not the person I thought she was. Sharon's making her way to Europe in a few days."

Wanda nodded as her eyebrows quivered. "I didn't do all this just to make it up to you for what has happened before... I'm also trying to do this because I want you to do the right thing."

Steve smiled in understanding, "Look, I know that. I just need time."

"I know you do, Steve." She leaned in to plant a kiss on his cheek, tapping them softly. "I know you do."

She uncrossed her legs and stood up from the couch, giving one last look on Steve and smiled.

"Thanks, Wanda. I guessed I needed that after all." He spoke, waving his hand briefly as he watched her turn to leave. When she was already gone, he too got up from the couch and padded his way to his room to get his keys.

_He needed the time and place to do some thinking._

 

 


	3. Sleeping Arrangements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James was _theirs_. But that didn't mean anything else. It lived in her dream, but it didn't add up to anything to what they were now. Friends. Teammates. Two individuals who had each other’s backs. He was far from being _hers_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Okay. So College is still on-going and I've totally forgotten about updating this fic. So sorry, ugh if only I'm being given much time to write on here aside from my thesis then I'll be updated daily haha lol I'm kidding. 
> 
> I just realized this story has already gotten more than a hundred kudos and I'm so beyond thankful for all the positive feedback I've been getting. Thank you thank you thank you!! 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy reading this chapter <3

_She was in her usual side of the bed, trying to get a decent sleep as always. It was almost midnight. By this time around, she should have been asleep already but she couldn't, knowing that she was just giving another chance for her nightmares to come crawling at her once again. Life was fucking hard especially when you're an ex - assassin with a rough past who just wanted to sleep peacefully for one night. One night. That was all she's asking for crying out loud._

_The grip on her covers tightened as she covered her entire body with it. The cold was bearable, in fact it was humid and there were beads of sweat rolling down her face but she somehow couldn't settle with the feeling of being exposed in her own bed. She held on them tightly like a shield, prying herself away from everything that she could only imagine was swallowing her._

_Speaking of shield, she could definitely use the warmth of one special super soldier right about now._

_Her thoughts came to a halt when she heard the sound of the door of her room opening just a few steps from her bed. Footsteps echoed softly on the floor, the sound of a jacket being placed on her couch, she heard a sigh - Steve's. Of course it was him._

_No other person would dare to come inside her room at this hour, no matter how close they were to her - not even Clint. Everyone seemed to get the message she didn't want to be disturbed. But he was an exception, as always._

_Natasha pretended to be asleep (or at least tried to) as she waited for Steve to take his shoes off before finally finding his own spot beside her in bed. Her heart was thumping fast, she couldn't cope especially when her mind was clouded as well. She heard another sigh from him again, and that immediately got her attention and concern. He hovered on her side as she felt Steve's lips softly planted on her hair. Short and sweet. And her heart honestly coudn't keep up with the pace anymore. "Where have you been?" Natasha blurted._

_"On a date." Steve replied. She could tell even when her back was still turned on him that his features remained stoic, as if he knew Natasha had been awake all along. She kept it still, not knowing how to react to that. She wriggled herself to a more comfortable position until she finally decided to turn her body to him, facing Steve. Their eyes met, he was so close. Fuck, she wasn't expecting him to be this close. His gaze was gentle yet fierce at the same time, only if he knew he shouldn't be looking at her like that because she didn't have the willpower to control her composure with those eyes. She could get lost to it and he'll never know._

_"How was it?" She cleared her throat, avoiding the awkwardness and the undeniable tension with this close proximity between them._

_"It was good." Natasha glared and Steve managed to laugh at such a sight. "I'm certain, I'm going to see her again soon."_

_That she wasn't prepared at all. No one reached the 'second date' with Steve Rogers. No one. Who was this girl anyway? How in the world did this girl - wait, why did Natasha care? This was none of her business. 'None of her business' said the girl who now couldn't mask the disappointment in her eyes. She was jealous. God, she was jealous. Why was she jealous? She asked for it, she did set him up around these women and now she's paying the consequences through it all. "Oh, good. That's all I need to know." She shrugged, turning her back to him again._

_Steve laughed again, "Wait, aren't you going to ask how it went? You always ask -"_

_"I'm tired, Steve. We can continue this tomorrow." She pretended to sound irritated with hopes that he'll eventually leave her be._

_"Okay then, we'll do it tomorrow. Good night, Nat." Before he could pull the covers towards his chest, Natasha spun around again as a warm hand settled on the side of his face lightly._

_"You know, you should get used to sleeping in your own room now." She whispered, eyes not meeting his but was directly focused to his heaving chest. "You can't lose her now, she was the first one to ever make it this far with you." Natasha almost seemed to smile but it was hard to determine. He swallowed a sob building in his throat, and buried himself on her pillow, making a full attempt to hide the pain._

_This was their thing. It had been going on for months now and this was the first time she touched the subject, coming to full terms with their "sleeping arrangements". When Steve found out that she wasn't the only one who had trouble sleeping, basically going through the exact phase as him every night, it happened - out of nowhere. It took a night off from a mission, in a safehouse somewhere in New Mexico to find out the only cure to avoid these nightmares they frequently had, was having each other. Surprisingly, the comfort from one another, simply encircling his hands around her waist and her face buried in the crook of his neck was all it took for the pain to fade away. They never talked about it, until now - when Natasha decided to call it off between them. She had a point, but -_

_"What if you'll have trouble sleeping again?" Steve asked. Trying to reason with her without being too obvious that he couldn't agree to what she said._

_"I haven't had any trouble sleeping since then, I don't think it'll happen again." She detached her hand from him as she returned back to her usual side, "Good night, Cap."_

* * *

She terribly missed him. She sees him everyday and she missed him. Natasha missed Steve's presence in her bed, his calm breathing as he held her closer to him, his heart beating against her back, his warmth. Oh God, he was amazing beyond words. She loved how he made her feel protected against everything that couldn't put her to sleep every night. From nightmares to the echoes from her previous battles, he was there. Natasha never brought it up, never even had the chance to express how grateful he was for being there with her through it all. And she just pushed him away (it was the right thing to do), it was for the best and she knew Steve couldn't agree to her own decision, but who was he to say no? He was seeing someone else after all.

And recently she just found out he was indeed seeing Sharon. Who turned out to be the great niece of the founder of SHIELD, founder of SHIELD - Peggy freaking Carter. He was fucking dating the niece of his first love. She was fuming inside, for not knowing sooner - if she'd known, if she ran a background check on Sharon before setting her up with Steve then this wouldn't have happened. Now she couldn't stop blaming herself for it. Great. But God, he was definitely happy with her. She desperately wanted to know if Sharon's relation with Peggy ever bothered him at all but she couldn't bring herself to ask Steve. Natasha wasn't supposed to meddle with his personal life, and she did want him to live his life so....

It had been over a month since she decided to call it off in terms of their 'sleeping arrangements'. Meaning one full month since she last had a decent sleep for once. God, why did she even allow herself to get used to him sleeping next to her? No matter how good it would always feel, it was wrong to be so dependent on him. And now she's paying the price for it. Damn it.

Surprisingly, Steve did what she told him to. Sure, they would still spend time together on the Avengers communal floor, in the gym, even on breakfast diners. He was completely fine with it, they never brought it up ever since - she assumed he was. Maybe he would be even thanking her for it 'cause that just gave him an ultimate chance to become closer with Sharon.

With a sigh, she finally found the strength to pull herself from her thoughts. Picking her tablet from her nightstand, Natasha crawled her way out of bed and padded her way out of her room and into the lounge area of the Avengers HQ. She found herself in the kitchen, whipping up some tea when she heard the elevator doors opening. Steve.

She froze when she finally saw him slowly approaching her from afar. He looked absolutely exhausted and sleepless as her, she pressed her lips together, eyes turning south as she stared at her cup intently instead. She wanted to head back to her room. She couldn't afford to look at him, nor even be in the same room as him not after the vision Wanda showed her earlier. She knew that if she allowed herself to do so, it would never be the same. She'd be holding herself back before blurting right in front of him about James Rogers, she had enough of Steve today.

She slid herself off from the counter where she sat and before she could even make it back to the hallway, Steve called for her name.

"Nat." He greeted her with a small smile. She stared at him, glancing down where she noticed he had his keys in hand.

"Date night?" She asked, keeping a thin line etched on her lips. _God, how to not sound bitter._

He shook his head with a frown. "No, I needed the time to be alone for a bit." He trailed off with wary, he rubbed the back of his head in discomfort. "As a matter of fact, I couldn't sleep."

She looked down, almost relieved by hearing him say it. "Yeah, me too." She admitted. She bit the inside of her cheek, mentally cursing herself for not taking the word back sooner.

A slow smile covered his face, Natasha gave up any resistance - she missed him so much. She missed it when it's just the two of them. She smiled back, and before she could say anything else, Steve was tugging her gently into his arms. Her cheeks turned to a shade of red, this was the first time he pulled her in for a hug for no reason. She reciprocated the hug, enveloping her arms around him tightly. "I missed you." He said in a muffled voice. She closed her eyes, she hated how easily he could turn her weak in the knees of all a sudden. "Yeah, me too." She replied again in amusement.

She pulled back as he rolled his eyes at her response, "Tell you what... when you're done with your tea, we get some well-deserved sleep back in my floor." It was an offer that was difficult to turn down. There were still boundaries, but she was too tired to even protest. It was just sleep, after all. It would be of great help if she said yes for once.

"Okay, fine." She smirked, lifting her hands in defeat.

After spending a few more minutes catching up with tea and cookies she and Wanda baked earlier, they finally decided to head back to his room with Steve's hand on the small of her back.

* * *

"Natasha - " Wanda was about to knock on the spy's door when she noticed it was already opened. She peered her head inside, only to find out there was no one inside. Moments like this Wanda would have already panicked but she knew better, Natasha was probably in the kitchen again.

As she was making her way towards the elevator, she noticed the arrows in the control panel were moving upward, the numbers constantly increasing from the lounge room up, on the way to Steve's room.

"Friday," Wanda spoke.

"Yes, Ms. Maximoff?" The AI greeted her in return.

"Who's inside the elevator?" She asked. She raised her eyebrows. She crossed her arms on her chest, having an idea where exactly Natasha was. _Maybe she was about to finally confront him about her vision._ She thought to herself in anticipation.

"It's been currently occupied by Captain Rogers and Agent Romanoff, Miss." The AI remarked with a tone of amusement. _Damn, even the AI knew what's up._

A smirk crept in Wanda's face, turning her head around and padded her way back towards her room. "Even better than I thought."

* * *

"I noticed you almost spent the whole night with Wanda." Steve spoke. She muttered a curse to herself and sighed, just when she thought she can finally get that sleep they've been talking about a few minutes ago.

He stared relentlessly on the ceiling, both hands planted behind his head as he watched her shifted her position, laying on her stomach now facing him. "Is there something wrong with that?" She asked, with an unwavering expression.

"No. None at all.. I just -" He trailed off, she noticed how his head seemed preoccupied and he was simply holding himself. Steve sighed as he propped his elbow on the pillow, hovering her side. "I'm just happy things are going pretty well between you and her, not after - "

"Steve." She draped one arm across his chest, and that ultimately got his attention. "Everything's okay between me and her... but I guess that's not what's bothering you."

He stopped for a moment, stared longer at her and she could feel the weight of his gaze on her even without having a glimpse of the blue in his eyes. She was truly unaware of what was going through his head as he looked back at her, it could literally be anything. He could go on and on about the problems they've been having lately, from training, from the missions they'd been getting into, _it could be about vision she had_. But she knew she was getting off track now. Wanda did promise that what they shared a few hours ago was something for only the two of them to know and keep. She had full trust on her that she wouldn't say anything. Not when the timing is right.

_But when will that ever be?_

"There's so many things I wanted to tell you, Nat." He tore her away from her thoughts. It was hard to tell how his features were through the dark but she felt his breath uneven as he waited for her permission to go on. She blinked in confusion, and before she could say anything else, she now had her back leaned on the headboard of his bed, opening his light from his night lamp to see him clearly.

"Steve." She sighed carefully as Steve sat up and aligned himself beside her on the headboard. "What is it?" She asked, getting a little impatient now.

"Remember when Wanda spoke to us a week ago, something about making up for what she'd done back then?"

_Shit._

_Of course she knew that._ She was there. Seriously, how can she possibly forget that? She wanted to take the word back, she shouldn't have asked him then.

Natasha's breath hitched in her throat, she desperately wished she could bury herself right into the covers just so she wouldn't have to answer him. She wanted to close the damn lights again just so he wouldn't be able to see how she reacted to it, how she almost lost it. She glanced uncertainly to him. If the situation wasn't exactly this serious, she would be laughing to herself now. For not knowing what to say back. For looking like a complete fool of herself for ever thinking of lying to him.

"Yes, I remembered." She remarked, unfazed and calm as she should be.

"Wanda did that by showing me my vision." He spoke softly, leaning his side closer to hers.

She nodded in reply, running out of curses she could think of in her head. As much as she wanted to know what his vision was, she knew she was getting her hopes up for thinking there was a small chance of possibility that Steve could have the same vision as hers. This time, she couldn't tolerate the idea that what he had was completely different than hers. The fear of rejection wasn't even the right term. It was the fear of never knowing what to do once the word is out. That his world was far from what she planned, from what she'd always imagined it could be. Wanda said she built that dream, _what if his dream was built with something else?_ One that didn't involve her? Or a baby that was named from this one person who has left an impact on the both of them?

James was _theirs_. But that didn't mean anything else. It lived in her dream, but it didn't add up to anything to what they were now. Friends. Teammates. Two individuals who had each other’s backs. He was far from being hers.

"Well that's good to know, old man." She quipped, lightening the mood a bit to shake things off. "Did it involve you and Sam's missing person?" That part was meant to be a part of her teasing but deep inside, she was actually being serious. She knew James Barnes held an important place in his life, not only to her. A topic that she has yet to disclose to Steve.

But in her case, it was long gone now. Not as if it didn't matter - because it did, and it meant everything to her.

He gave a sly smile to her and she immediately knew her answer. "Yes, he was there." He rolled his eyes in amusement. _Of course. He would be there._ Just like all he did those years growing up. Nothing could be stronger than the relationship they've had. James had always been there for Steve, as he did in return. It was so wrong to ever think his world could be about something else. To ever think that in a world as big as his, she could be a part of it - even when he's no longer in a spangled suit kicking ass and being the patriotic little shit he was. Maybe there was something more he'd be meaning to say, but for now - that's all she needed to know. She had to admit, she still wasn't ready with what comes after that.

"Of course, he would be there." She grinned at him, shrugging all the unexplainable feelings she had along the way. She slumped back on her side of the bed, tugging the covers until it reached her throat, completely tearing her gaze away from him. 

Steve laughed, pulling the covers away from her, prying herself to look at him before she goes deep in her slumber. "I haven't even finished talking yet - " She grunted in return, if there was anything that was actually true - she was indeed exhausted and was in dire need of sleep, but of course he wouldn't let her get away with it just yet. "Nat - don't you sleep on me." He playfully pleaded, patting her gently on her arm.

"I'm afraid sleeping might have to wait a little longer, Agent Romanoff." An AI's voice was heard from nowhere, she noticed Steve almost threw himself off from the bed to pick up his shield. She held her laugh as she sat up from the bed once again as her expression remained stoic with a slight of curiosity, contorting in her features.

"What is it Friday?" Steve asked. His tone sounded agitated and wary, she should know she too as well. A mission at this hour isn't exactly the best timing. 

"Agent Romanoff, Mr. Stark finally found a lead to Dr. Banner's whereabouts." Steve turned to look at her. And this time with the light on, she could easily tell he doesn't seemed happy about it. "Mr. Stark asks you to call him, if that's alright with you."

She nodded, completely forgetting how she left her phone in her own room. She got up from the bed as she grabbed the nearest piece of clothing she could find to keep her warm. Apparently, it was Steve's sweatshirt.

"You were looking for him and you didn't tell me?" Steve asked. _Oh boy, he is indeed unhappy about it._

"Can we talk tomorrow? I have to go back to my room - " She couldn't afford to look at him, as she kept herself busy instead, trying to find her pair of slippers under his bed.

"Natasha, I'm still talking to you."

She knew it was trouble whenever he would start calling him by her whole name again.

When she had found her slippers, she padded her way towards the door and looked back only to find Steve with an expression that was hard to interpret. _There are so many things I wanted to tell you, too. But -_ "Not all secrets are for sharing, Rogers. You should go get some sleep, I'll see you tomorrow."

It was harsh. She meant more from that.

She knew she failed him once again for ever thinking that he couldn't be trusted with her heart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your thoughts? :) 
> 
> tumblr: hailromanogers  
> twitter: evanssonx
> 
> ((also okay ik it's been almost a month since the oscars happened but I still could not get over of the mere fact chris and scarlett asked to be seated right next to each other. hello evansson heart))

**Author's Note:**

> Watch out for Wanda, Steve! 
> 
> Tumblr: hailromanogers


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